Top Five Things Zombie Movies Are Missing

I have seen many zombie films.  They have become more popular in the last few years, but there are some things I think many of these movies lack that I would like to see.  Here are the top five things I think zombie movies are missing:

5. Advanced government warnings ahead of zombie outbreak like this one showcased on Ghost Lounge.

4. People going onto the ocean on boats as a means of escape.  I never understood why people simply stayed on land when they could be floating away from the horror.  If you are out on the ocean I doubt you will encounter many zombies, it is easier to avoid exposure (except when you have to go on land to get additional supplies), and as far as I have seen and heard zombies don’t swim.

3. Fungus as a cause of zombie epidemic.  One of the reasons Steven King is so successful in his horror movies and books is that he takes something that seems mundane and realistic and makes it a source of terror.  Fungus really makes zombies, just not with humans… yet.

2. Kick-ass old people.  Sure they may be slower than the young, but some of the elderly are quite feisty and many know how to shoot a gun.  Think a cross between Betty White and Rambo.

1. Zombie hamsters.  Some films in the past have had zombie birds and dogs, but what about other household pets?  Can’t you see how horrifying it would be for this adorable little lady to join the ranks of the walking dead?  

If you have any other suggestions leave a comment.  The funniest five ideas will be showcased and credited in a later blogpost.

The Newly Revamped English Language According to JATO

It’s funny how studying mathematics has only made me more aware of how imprecise language is.  I find myself constantly re-editing conversations because I am trying to become more and more precise. Having a conversation with me lately is more like talking to a thesaurus.

 I have also decided that using words that can be inserted into certain contexts in which they fit, but redefining them to be the words I wish to say, is a much friendlier way to talk to people (at least for the other people).  I don’t like using the typical euphemisms like shoot for $hit, or fudge for, well you know.  I don’t like using these words because other people know what I am really saying, so I have reassigned certain words in the English language without other’s knowledge to mean what I want them to mean.  My favorite word so far is misinterpreted.

I have been using misinterpreted as a euphemism for “you must be stupid.”  For example:  “You must have misinterpreted what I said when I told you the report was on your desk.  I can now see how the report lying on your keyboard, which is on your desk, could be confused for something else even though there is no other paper on your desk.”

Other words I have redefined include:

·         The word courteous will now mean jackass.  “Sir you are so courteous for backing out of your parking space so swiftly.  I now won’t have to find a parking space while I wait for the tow truck to arrive to pick up my mangled vehicle.”

·         Sweetie is the now defined as bitch. “You are such a sweetie for honking the horn to alert me that the light turned green 3 milliseconds ago.”

There are some advantages to creating my own definitions for words.  I hope that this new way of thinking about language will make me sound more like a lady and less like a drunken, bitter, sailor.  Also people won’t know that I am insulting them and I won’t have to deal with the hassle of making a customer/boss/coworker/friend/other human being angry.

The Story of the Ugly Mickey Mouse Pajamas

I admit it. The second I get home I put on my pajamas.  There is NOTHING better than wearing pajamas after finishing a day of work (except fuzzy socks…see “A Little About Me” for clarification).  Here is a story about one particular pair of pajama pants:

Did I originally purchase these pants because?

A)     I like Mickey and Minnie Mouse

B)      I enjoy pants that make social commentary

C)      These pants are extremely luxurious

D)     These pants were less than $10

I you guessed D, then you must have figured out that I am super cheap, or you figured out the argument I was about to make.  Either way I can’t bear to throw these pants away simply because there is a gargantuan hole in the knee pitifully being held together through a sad knot between two pieces of fabric. 

The hole formed through a series of incidents.  The first incident was involving Christmas gifts.  I always get stuck wrapping presents and, of course, along with cutting wrapping paper I cut a small hole in my pants and proceeded to swear like a sailor.  Given that the hole was small, and the pants were nearly new (just about a month old) I continued to wear the Mickey pants.

Next came the attack of the coffee table. Not just once, not twice, not even three times, but five times did I progressively tear the hole in my pants by catching it on the corner of my coffee table.  Each time I would swear enough to shame a rapper and continue to wear the pants.  The final death knell came to the pants when I was putting them on one day. My foot got stuck in the hole and I stepped down with a force that let loose a large ripping sound. Currently the hole has ripped the right knee nearly in half.

Just short of Duct tape these pants can no longer be pants.  Some people might just throw these cheap Wal-Mart pants away, but oh no, not me.  Those pants cost money and they didn’t even make it a whole year yet.  I know this is not the Great Depression, and things could be far worse financially, but you don’t get rich by buying lots of replacement sleep attire.  

Plus who cares?

Cat PSA

I enjoy the fact when I come home from work, or really anything at all, my cats are at the door to greet me.  There is a problem that is getting in the way of my relationship with my cats...they need to admit their addiction to two things....birds and the bathrobe.

Not only am I being ignored for most of the day, but the cats seem to be in bathrobe/bird trance.  Symptoms of bathrobe/bird trance include:

·        Sitting in one spot for hours on end. 

·        Sleeping in one spot for hours on end.

·        Meowing at birds.

·        Running into glass doors.

·        Ignoring owner unless given tasty treats or playing with laser light.

·        Being a cat.

An Exciting Afternoon Drive

Several years ago I used to have a really terrible car.  So terrible that Adam Sandler wrote a song about my car (Ode to My Car)…well, maybe not about my car, but it sure did an excellent job describing my vehicle.  (Luckily for me I didn’t have the same seat issue that Adam Sandler had with his car…Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!) 

Well, anyway back to the story.  The car, at the time, was about thirteen years old. It had no air conditioning (which was great given that I lived in the desert), a broken radio (so I used a boom box), and ate oil with such voracity that in comparison the cookie monster looked like he had excellent self control. Since the car was in such excellent condition I had an anything goes mentality…food ok, drinks ok, feet on the dashboard, a little white trash, but ok. The only rule I had about driving the Geo was to NEVER EVER drive it on the freeway.

The day of the “incident” I wasn’t having too good of a day.  I was late to a job that I hated, and wearing a uniform that fit terribly and included a name tag.  Since it was a holiday and the roads were clear I chose to break my one and only rule and drive on the freeway.  I thought that since there was no one on the road I could shave a few minutes off of my commute and actually get to work on time.  

Big mistake!

In the past I had envisioned break downs in the desert with no cell phone reception, or during rush hour on a busy street where I can’t push the car to the side by myself.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for this. For the first ten years of the car’s life the car “lived” in Minnesota.  Years of salt and ice took its toll on the car and I was none the wiser.

As I was driving in the fast lane, the hood latch gave way and the hood slammed into the windshield.  Not only did the hood hit the windshield creating a large horizontal crack, but the hood had also bent back so that it had conformed to the shape of the car.  If I were a cat this is what my face probably would have looked like:  

I slammed on the brakes as I screamed as though Freddy Krueger was in the backseat…luckily no one was on the freeway.  I made my way to the shoulder shaking like a cold supermodel (I would assume supermodels are always cold since they have no fat for insulation) and pulled over.  I promptly called my mother and scared the crap out of her, and then I called Tim and had him and his sister pick me up.  

The car was still drivable once the hood was pried off the windshield, but there was no way in hell I was driving home…I called into work with the excellent excuse that I was in a car wreck and they gave me the day off. I drove that car for almost a year with the hood in the backseat and engine exposed.  To say the least I turned heads in that car!

No cats were harmed in the making of this post, just a 1993 Geo Metro.

Wasting time before the apocalypse

This is one of the few days in over a year where I don't have to go to work or school, or do really anything else at all.  I got to spend the entire day alone in my apartment.  Before you think to yourself "Oh, how sad,” just remember that I haven't had a day to myself in a very very long time. 

                                      

I thought since the apocalypse is supposed to be tomorrow (snicker) that I would dedicate the week to post-apocalyptic TV shows and movies to get prepared for when I am left behind.  So far I have watched the entire Jericho series (wish I knew that was on the air before it got canceled), I've watched a couple episodes of Galactica (meh), and of course a few zombie flicks such as Dawn of the Dead (the good version from the 70's) and 28 Days Later, as well as The Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price (which is based on the same book [I am Legend] which was the inspiration for Omega Man with Charlton Heston, and I am Legend with Will Smith). I tried to time Netflix so I would get to watch the original left behind movie, but I thought of it too late and it is still in my queue while I have Big Love and Black Swan sitting on my coffee table. Too bad...some right wing Christian inspired movie about the rapture and those that don't make it into heaven right away would have been the perfect movie choice for today...this will require better planning for next time...2012 apocalypse viewing party!

I will continue to enjoy my lazy day where I order dinner rather than making it myself.

Starting to write

Ok.  So finals are over and my May 11th assignment date has come and gone.  I have only written about a page and a half so far, rather than the nine pages I would like to be finished with right now, but that is after getting over some wicked writers block.  Sometimes having too many ideas can be a paralyzing as not having enough ideas.   I decided to just write anything even if it sucks.  I also decided that I can write from any point in the book not just the beginning to get things flowing.  So far I have taken things in a direction even I didn't anticipate...not bad, just not what I expected.  


This week has also been exciting.  I was nearly bit by a rattlesnake the other day.  I don't mean I was walking along and encountered a rattlesnake, but that a rattlesnake actually struck out at me.  Luckily it missed by about a foot as I ran screaming like a little girl. I sure showed that snake!


So now I go back to writing...

A Little About Me

So I realized that I haven't written much about who I am...here goes nothing:

•    Yes, I did follow myself. I think of it as throwing the first five bucks into the virtual guitar case. 

•    The picture of the zebra was not taken in Africa...but I did take the photo.

•    I gave up cable two months ago and watch TV exclusively over the internet now. 

•    I am writing this blog post rather than studying for my java final tomorrow because I strongly dislike java programming.  No offense programmers it's just not my thing. 

•    I am classified as a nerd.  I am one of those people who is earning a double major (one of which is math) and actually contemplates multiple post-graduate degrees.  

•    I love parenthesis and ellipses....I will excessively overuse both of these.

•    My favorite shape is a dot.  It is the only circle/shape I can draw without looking like a four year old drew it.

•    My favorite number is 14, but I will often say e just to be pretentious and extra nerdy.

•    I have taken way too many photos of my cats....it's an addiction and I need help. 

•    It is inevitable that you will see some photos of my cats. 

•    I like to imagine that Albert Einstein is my uncle.  He seems like the cool uncle that will blow stuff up in his backyard to explain something to you. Plus he was super photogenic and his hair is awesome!  

•    I find spitting to be the most disgusting thing a person can do in my presence and may uncontrollably gag if exposed to someone spitting in front of me. 

•    NOTHING is more luxurious than fuzzy socks!

•    I am obsessed with learning about quantum physics even though I got a D in basic physics...probably won't understand much about it but will read about it anyway.

•    I am bad at foreign language.  

1.     True story:  I was asked to stop speaking German in Germany. Mein Deutsch ist sehr slecht. 

2.     I have also taken the same German 202 class three times to get the required C or above despite having took German from 7 through 12th grade....I believe the B- was a pity grade to get me out of the class. 

3.     What is more ironic is my mother is a certified German teacher who is fluent in German and has lived in Germany; apparently I did not inherit her talent for languages.

•    I have picked up a rattlesnake (with a snake stick). And no, I am not a redneck; I did it for my job.
•    I think squash tastes as unappealing as it sounds. 
•    Don't get me started on zucchini. 
•    Beer, wine, and Coca Cola are the nectar of the gods. 

Obscurity

The headline read, "Does Dr. Higg's failure land him a place in obscurity?"


I like this line....I don't know where I will take it from there.  Maybe next week I will see.