99 Cent Store Checkout Counter

Things I saw next to each other at the checkout at the 99 Cent Store today:

•          Chocolate conversation hearts
•          Condoms
•          Pregnancy test (especially after buying the clearly faulty condoms)
•          Anti-diarrhea pills

Looks like someone who stocks the counter has a great sense of humor, or some unfortunate life experiences.

Great Truths I Learned from Indiana Jones

I spent way too much time as a kid pretending and wanting to be Indiana Jones.  As I somersaulted around my living room dodging angry natives and giant rolling boulders I learned a few things.  Dah-da-da-dah  dah-da-dah   dah-da-da-dah  dah-da-da-dah-dah-dah (You know the tune!)

1.       “Choose wisely.”…this applies to the Holy Grail and to romantic partners.  Unfortunately Indy wasn’t so great at picking the right lady.

2.       The pen is mightier than the sword…and so is a gun.  While Jones Senior was able to defeat a Nazi attacker with his pen, Indiana knew that when under attack by a master swordsman who clearly had more skills than he did the best strategy is the simplest…shoot him.  In other words don’t mince words.

3.       “X marks the spot.”  Sometimes looking intently for hidden clues can obscure the obvious ones. 

4.       Don’t forget your hat.  You never know when you’ll be in hot sunny weather, or when you need to blend in with the bad guys.  Either way a hat is a necessity.

5.       Roll with the punches; and the giant rolling balls.

6.       “I don’t like snakes!”  Be able to face your fears no matter how much they creep you out.

7.       “Indiana was the dog.”  Don’t be afraid to reinvent yourself, even if it means steeling your dog’s name.

8.       “It belongs in a museum!” Know when something is precious and protect it as best you can.

9.       Recognized that versatility is important…a whip can be a rope or a weapon depending on need.

10.   Don’t go on adventures alone.  A good friend will save your hide more than a few times and make the experience more enjoyable. 

Why I, An Agnostic, Read The Bible

For an Agnostic I sure have a lot of Bibles.  I have an Oxford Study Bible, an NLT Bible someone gave Tim, and The Bible App on my phone.  I don’t just have Bibles, I also read them.  This may sound weird for someone who is not Christian but let me explain.

First of all the Bible can be entertaining. There are lots of stories to suit different moods.  Stories about intrigue, war, lust, greed (hey this sounds a little like a soap opera).  There is even a section which is erotic (not that I read the Song of Solomon much).  The Bible also addresses problem solving skills such as how King Solomon decided to cut a baby in two to figure out who the real mother was (still sounds like a soap opera).  Why do you think they made so many movies out of these stories (many of which seem to star Charlton Heston).

Also when I come across trolls in real life who claim to be Christian, but are really asinine bigots, I like to be able to beat them with their own biblical throw-downs.  Oh you’re really going to quote Leviticus when trying to justify why gays don’t deserve basic civil rights, well let me tell you what else is in there you choose to ignore.  (Sadly many Christians seem to only follow what they like…religion is not a buffet where you get to pick and choose; it is a microwave dinner where you get what you get.)

P.S. Evangelicals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Mormons I like that you’re passionate about your faith…but I’m not buying what you’re selling.  Please stop knocking on my door or I will just have to keep telling you I am a Satanist to scare you away.  Just thought you should know.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Have a Hard Time Finishing Top Ten Lists:

10.          I’m busy.

9.            Five seems like enough.

8.            People have short attention spans.

7.            I’m too lazy to write a real post, let alone ten whole ideas.

6.            I’m sick of writing about my cats all the time…seriously it’s weird.

5.            There is a lot of pressure to produce ten funny/mildly amusing/sort of okay one liners.

4.            I’m ripping off David Letterman.

3.            Seriously why do I have to do more than five?

2.            I give up…

Why Mechanical Pencils Suck

• I always break the lead every time I go to actually write something.
• The refills are ridiculously expensive.
• You miss out on using a pencil sharpener.
• The erasers are almost non-existent and they always fall off the top.
• When you go to erase something more lead comes out.
• They are easily mistaken for pens when blindly searching a pocket in your bag.

Black Socks Never Get Dirty

When I went to camp as a kid we would sing songs on the bus to pass the time when going on a trip.  I usually remember this one the most often:

“Black socks they never get dirty the longer you wear them the blacker they get.

Someday I’m going to launder them, but something keeps telling me don’t do it yet, not yet, not yet… “

I think I remember this one the most because I have expanded upon this song to other things in my life. The following is a list of items I own that are black:

Couch

Curtains

Bed sheets

6 shirts

Three pants

Sneakers (you may hear about these in another posting)

Trash can

Microwave

Lap top

Backpack

Futon

3 purses

One cat

All of my socks

Two belts

And much, much more.

Individually, these items may seem normal, but together this style of mine may come off as a little emo.   Not the case, couldn’t pull it off if I wanted to. 

You see I have an aversion to having things that look dirty.  Black stuff (except in the kitchen and with cars) tends not to look as dirty as lighter colored items.  If I wear a white shirt it is guaranteed to be stained by day’s end.   Even if you stain something that is black, if you wash it the stain is hardly noticeable.   Plus if the black begins to fade it is easy to buy some Rit dye to make it dark again.  Other colors are hard to match and you just don’t end up with the same teal shirt you loved before.

The downside to so many black items in my house is that things can look a little dreary at times.  The solution…many framed photographs on the wall.  I used to have colorful throw pillows, but the cats always find a way to destroy those…throw pillows are the mortal enemy of cats, second only to toilet paper.   I have also attempted to have wooden furniture and a multi-colored rug, but still I look like I live in a depressed Swedish house.

The other downside is that it can be easy to lose the cats because of camouflage effects in the bed.  As you can (or can’t) see here Joy blends easily into her natural environment.  

This leads to accidental sitting on cats, followed by muffled meows and sharp claws in my hind end.  The solution, do a quick hand sweep on the bed for cats before sitting on or flopping into bed.

It could be worse....everything I own could be white and covered in black cat hair. 

The Pluses and Pitfalls to Being a Housecat

Pluses:

Nap time is whenever you want.

Food, water, shelter, and toys are free of charge.

People will pet you and cuddle you.

You are not required to get a job.

People don’t make you learn silly tricks…unless they are really bored or have a psychology experiment they need to do for a class.

Pitfalls:

Taking a bath requires lots of time licking yourself.

Hairballs

People will pet and cuddle you.

No opposable thumbs

No appreciation for swimming.

The Time I Almost Accidentally Killed My Hamster

Before I got my cats I had an adorable hamster named Rocky.  She wasn’t my first hamster, but she was the most peculiar.  You see Rocky was the ultimate escape artist.  I used to think that she was the reincarnation of Houdini.

Rocky loved to climb up the wires of her cage and swing around like a monkey.  In doing this she would bang on the side door of her cage with her bottom two legs.  After a sufficient number of swings the door would bust open and Rocky would be free for her next unauthorized adventure.

I had known that she liked to swing on the cage bars, but I didn’t know it was all a part of a grand escape plan.  The first night that Rocky was successful I was watching TV in my bedroom.  I had no idea that the hamster made a run for it because her cage was kept in the living room and I had not been in there the whole evening.

Then I started to hear some eerie scratching in the walls.  At first I dismissed it as a neighbor making some noise. The scratching continued.  I began to think that the scratching was not coming from the neighbors.  As the noise continued I began to think that maybe there was a rat in the wall.

I began to imagine that not only was there a rat in the wall, but it was huge like a New York City sewer rat with beady red eyes and a thick naked tail.  I began to get nervous and even a little frightened.  I remembered that we had a BB gun and pellets stored away.  I got the BB gun and loaded it with pellets and began to stand guard by the small hole in the wall that I found.   I called Tim and told him that I was going to kill the rat if it came out of the wall.

A few minutes later Tim came home and discovered that Rocky’s cage was open and the hamster was MIA. That is when I finally realized that it was Rocky in the wall! I was ready to kill my sweet little hamster!

We coaxed her out with treats and the cage placed near the hole in the wall.  After hours of sitting on the floor waiting for the hamster she came out and we put her away in her cage.  That wasn’t her only escape but it was the most daring and dangerous.

The Story Of The Time The Radio Was Stolen From My Car

One of my coworkers told me that he never knew certain things ever happened to people until he met me.  

For example back when I had the terrible Geo mentioned earlier in “An Exciting Afternoon Drive,” there was a reason that my radio was broken…actually two reasons why my radio was broken…now that I think about it there were three reasons why my radio was broken, not to mention that when I got the car the radio was broken.

Reason number 1:           The installation of the new radio I purchased was done poorly and my radio would work when it felt like it. I was too young and dumb to demand that the big box store employee who installed the radio reinstall it after it was not working just a month or two after purchase.

Reason number 2:           I did not know that extreme Arizona heat and a can of Pepsi in my glove box was a bad combination…I told you I was bad at physics.  Apparently heat caused the can to become so pressurized due to the carbonation that the aluminum could no longer contain the scorching hot Pepsi with lemon and there was a mild explosion.  A mild explosion that destroyed everything inside my glove compartment, got all over the passenger side window and seat, and coated the radio faceplate with gooey syrup which then baked into a sugary concrete.  This sugary concrete then made it impossible to change stations or listen to a CD.  *Plus side my car smelled sweet and lemony.

Reason number 3:           So my radio was already technically broken beyond repair at this point, and I was too cheap to purchase a replacement.  The apartment complex I lived in at the time wasn’t the best when it came to theft.  In fact, my car had been broken into before (several times).  One day someone (presumably the same person who kept preying on the parking lot cars) decided to steal my radio out of the dash.  I came to my car the next morning to see a bunch of exposed wires.   I was so angry that someone would steal my radio (even though it was broken) that I filed a police report.  The police officer kind of laughed when I admitted the value of the radio was $0.00 because it was broken.

To this day I laugh a little like Nelson from the Simpsons when I think about the moron that went through all that effort to steal a broken radio.  Ha Ha! (Finger pointing)

Quirky...Not Crazy (At Least Not Yet!)

I have certain “quirks.”  These habits are often considered weird or strange, but here is why I partake.

·         Singing at the top of my lungs in the car (by myself).  Yes, I am that person you chuckle at because they are singing along to some song on the radio (and probably dancing as well).  You wonder if that person realizes that other people can see them and that they look like a goofball.  Yes, I know you can see me, and I don’t care.  I am having fun!  I turn up the music loudly to cover up my own voice (because it is that bad) and bop my head as I sing along to “Bohemian Rhapsody” or Cee Lo Green’s megahit “F**k You” (uncensored).  I even sing along to a little AFI or perhaps some Rush.  It doesn’t really matter what the song or band is, or really if I know the actual words…there will be a performance in my car every time I drive.

·         Talking to myself.  I often hear people ask “Were you talking to me?”  The answer is no.  I am talking to myself because it helps me think about things.  It is a perfectly normal habit and is a sign of my vast intelligence (I am using hyperbole here…I’m not really that big of an egomaniac).  So if I’m alone and babbling take it as a sign that I am in deep thought and continue on your way. 

·         Counting on my fingers.  I realize as a person nearly finished with a Mathematics degree that counting on my fingers may seem a bit, oh I don’t know,  pre-school, but my fingers are my math security blanket.  If I decided not to use them anymore I don’t think I would have any problems (such as when I am in front of a professor who may judge me), but why stop doing something that doesn’t hurt you and helps you stay relaxed? 

·         I make up songs about my cats and sing them to them. For example:
(This song, which is my favorite, is to the tune of “Jitterbug” by Wham)
Ja ja ja Joy Joy
ja ja ja Joy Joy

You like to pounce on your crinkle ball.
And love the carpet with the side of your face.
You always meow meow at the birdies.
And make my day when I pet your belly.

(This song is not completed because usually by this time the cat walks away in protest… It is odd that she is so judgmental because cats can’t carry a tune either.)

I would have to encourage you to indulge in these oft mocked behaviors…you may just laugh a little or perhaps dare to smile.

Seriously do it now!  Or not, you really don’t have to.

Another announcement!

Some of you so kindly have asked me to be your Facebook friends.  I appreciate the gesture, but alas I try to keep my personal Facebook page full of people I know in real-life.  So as a way to keep in touch with my new friends on the World Wide Web I have added a facebook page for Just Another Thought Online.  Feel free to like my page to keep in touch with me on Facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Just-Another-Thought-Online/154116024657916

Top Five Things Zombie Movies Are Missing

I have seen many zombie films.  They have become more popular in the last few years, but there are some things I think many of these movies lack that I would like to see.  Here are the top five things I think zombie movies are missing:

5. Advanced government warnings ahead of zombie outbreak like this one showcased on Ghost Lounge.

4. People going onto the ocean on boats as a means of escape.  I never understood why people simply stayed on land when they could be floating away from the horror.  If you are out on the ocean I doubt you will encounter many zombies, it is easier to avoid exposure (except when you have to go on land to get additional supplies), and as far as I have seen and heard zombies don’t swim.

3. Fungus as a cause of zombie epidemic.  One of the reasons Steven King is so successful in his horror movies and books is that he takes something that seems mundane and realistic and makes it a source of terror.  Fungus really makes zombies, just not with humans… yet.

2. Kick-ass old people.  Sure they may be slower than the young, but some of the elderly are quite feisty and many know how to shoot a gun.  Think a cross between Betty White and Rambo.

1. Zombie hamsters.  Some films in the past have had zombie birds and dogs, but what about other household pets?  Can’t you see how horrifying it would be for this adorable little lady to join the ranks of the walking dead?  

If you have any other suggestions leave a comment.  The funniest five ideas will be showcased and credited in a later blogpost.

The Story of the Ugly Mickey Mouse Pajamas

I admit it. The second I get home I put on my pajamas.  There is NOTHING better than wearing pajamas after finishing a day of work (except fuzzy socks…see “A Little About Me” for clarification).  Here is a story about one particular pair of pajama pants:

Did I originally purchase these pants because?

A)     I like Mickey and Minnie Mouse

B)      I enjoy pants that make social commentary

C)      These pants are extremely luxurious

D)     These pants were less than $10

I you guessed D, then you must have figured out that I am super cheap, or you figured out the argument I was about to make.  Either way I can’t bear to throw these pants away simply because there is a gargantuan hole in the knee pitifully being held together through a sad knot between two pieces of fabric. 

The hole formed through a series of incidents.  The first incident was involving Christmas gifts.  I always get stuck wrapping presents and, of course, along with cutting wrapping paper I cut a small hole in my pants and proceeded to swear like a sailor.  Given that the hole was small, and the pants were nearly new (just about a month old) I continued to wear the Mickey pants.

Next came the attack of the coffee table. Not just once, not twice, not even three times, but five times did I progressively tear the hole in my pants by catching it on the corner of my coffee table.  Each time I would swear enough to shame a rapper and continue to wear the pants.  The final death knell came to the pants when I was putting them on one day. My foot got stuck in the hole and I stepped down with a force that let loose a large ripping sound. Currently the hole has ripped the right knee nearly in half.

Just short of Duct tape these pants can no longer be pants.  Some people might just throw these cheap Wal-Mart pants away, but oh no, not me.  Those pants cost money and they didn’t even make it a whole year yet.  I know this is not the Great Depression, and things could be far worse financially, but you don’t get rich by buying lots of replacement sleep attire.  

Plus who cares?

Cat PSA

I enjoy the fact when I come home from work, or really anything at all, my cats are at the door to greet me.  There is a problem that is getting in the way of my relationship with my cats...they need to admit their addiction to two things....birds and the bathrobe.

Not only am I being ignored for most of the day, but the cats seem to be in bathrobe/bird trance.  Symptoms of bathrobe/bird trance include:

·        Sitting in one spot for hours on end. 

·        Sleeping in one spot for hours on end.

·        Meowing at birds.

·        Running into glass doors.

·        Ignoring owner unless given tasty treats or playing with laser light.

·        Being a cat.

An Exciting Afternoon Drive

Several years ago I used to have a really terrible car.  So terrible that Adam Sandler wrote a song about my car (Ode to My Car)…well, maybe not about my car, but it sure did an excellent job describing my vehicle.  (Luckily for me I didn’t have the same seat issue that Adam Sandler had with his car…Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!) 

Well, anyway back to the story.  The car, at the time, was about thirteen years old. It had no air conditioning (which was great given that I lived in the desert), a broken radio (so I used a boom box), and ate oil with such voracity that in comparison the cookie monster looked like he had excellent self control. Since the car was in such excellent condition I had an anything goes mentality…food ok, drinks ok, feet on the dashboard, a little white trash, but ok. The only rule I had about driving the Geo was to NEVER EVER drive it on the freeway.

The day of the “incident” I wasn’t having too good of a day.  I was late to a job that I hated, and wearing a uniform that fit terribly and included a name tag.  Since it was a holiday and the roads were clear I chose to break my one and only rule and drive on the freeway.  I thought that since there was no one on the road I could shave a few minutes off of my commute and actually get to work on time.  

Big mistake!

In the past I had envisioned break downs in the desert with no cell phone reception, or during rush hour on a busy street where I can’t push the car to the side by myself.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for this. For the first ten years of the car’s life the car “lived” in Minnesota.  Years of salt and ice took its toll on the car and I was none the wiser.

As I was driving in the fast lane, the hood latch gave way and the hood slammed into the windshield.  Not only did the hood hit the windshield creating a large horizontal crack, but the hood had also bent back so that it had conformed to the shape of the car.  If I were a cat this is what my face probably would have looked like:  

I slammed on the brakes as I screamed as though Freddy Krueger was in the backseat…luckily no one was on the freeway.  I made my way to the shoulder shaking like a cold supermodel (I would assume supermodels are always cold since they have no fat for insulation) and pulled over.  I promptly called my mother and scared the crap out of her, and then I called Tim and had him and his sister pick me up.  

The car was still drivable once the hood was pried off the windshield, but there was no way in hell I was driving home…I called into work with the excellent excuse that I was in a car wreck and they gave me the day off. I drove that car for almost a year with the hood in the backseat and engine exposed.  To say the least I turned heads in that car!

No cats were harmed in the making of this post, just a 1993 Geo Metro.

A Little About Me

So I realized that I haven't written much about who I am...here goes nothing:

•    Yes, I did follow myself. I think of it as throwing the first five bucks into the virtual guitar case. 

•    The picture of the zebra was not taken in Africa...but I did take the photo.

•    I gave up cable two months ago and watch TV exclusively over the internet now. 

•    I am writing this blog post rather than studying for my java final tomorrow because I strongly dislike java programming.  No offense programmers it's just not my thing. 

•    I am classified as a nerd.  I am one of those people who is earning a double major (one of which is math) and actually contemplates multiple post-graduate degrees.  

•    I love parenthesis and ellipses....I will excessively overuse both of these.

•    My favorite shape is a dot.  It is the only circle/shape I can draw without looking like a four year old drew it.

•    My favorite number is 14, but I will often say e just to be pretentious and extra nerdy.

•    I have taken way too many photos of my cats....it's an addiction and I need help. 

•    It is inevitable that you will see some photos of my cats. 

•    I like to imagine that Albert Einstein is my uncle.  He seems like the cool uncle that will blow stuff up in his backyard to explain something to you. Plus he was super photogenic and his hair is awesome!  

•    I find spitting to be the most disgusting thing a person can do in my presence and may uncontrollably gag if exposed to someone spitting in front of me. 

•    NOTHING is more luxurious than fuzzy socks!

•    I am obsessed with learning about quantum physics even though I got a D in basic physics...probably won't understand much about it but will read about it anyway.

•    I am bad at foreign language.  

1.     True story:  I was asked to stop speaking German in Germany. Mein Deutsch ist sehr slecht. 

2.     I have also taken the same German 202 class three times to get the required C or above despite having took German from 7 through 12th grade....I believe the B- was a pity grade to get me out of the class. 

3.     What is more ironic is my mother is a certified German teacher who is fluent in German and has lived in Germany; apparently I did not inherit her talent for languages.

•    I have picked up a rattlesnake (with a snake stick). And no, I am not a redneck; I did it for my job.
•    I think squash tastes as unappealing as it sounds. 
•    Don't get me started on zucchini. 
•    Beer, wine, and Coca Cola are the nectar of the gods.